i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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