I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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