last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
