TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
