Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
