I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I need to stop coming to work sober
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
