This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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