There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
