My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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