Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
