Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
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