I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
