Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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