Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
