As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Dignity is for republicans.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
