she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize