When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
