You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize