she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Randomize
