you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Still dying that you shit outside
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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