You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
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