Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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