The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
