I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
