I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Randomize
