but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
