I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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