He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
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