I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
