I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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