booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize