The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
