i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
