why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
