just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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