My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
