My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
