Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Randomize
