my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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