you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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