I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
