Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
