I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
