Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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