My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
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