Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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