first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
