So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Randomize
