My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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