I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize