so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize