Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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