I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize