Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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