I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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