Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
