oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
You smell like stripper and shame
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
