You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
