I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
