Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
