that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
