i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
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