I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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