i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
