Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
