you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
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