She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
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