My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
