made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
