I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
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