do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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