I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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