It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
