I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
