just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
