I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
