I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
