Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
